The confidence knockdown

Hi guys!! So it's another Friday and we're all blessed to be alive. You know I started this blog because I wanted to be real and open with everyone. I really wanted to let people know that they're not alone. We've all been through different circumstances and have certain thoughts and experiences. Some of those experiences have shaped us.

Not every experience has been pleasant. Some have built us and some experiences have torn us down, but they are a part of the reason we are who we are today.

So, if I'm going to be true to this blog, I have to be honest. Not just about the lessons I've learnt, but also about my current struggles and my weak moments. I've heard that there's strength gained when problems are shared. So this is written in the hope that someone will read this and realise that they are not alone in their struggle.

If you've met me, or have been reading this blog, you'll know that I've struggled with my confidence for a while. It's a constant battle and a journey. I've made a lot of progress, but sometimes life really knocks you down. P.S sometimes, it's even your fault.

So this past month, I've really really struggled with my confidence. I've struggled to feel attractive or even beautiful. If it's not my skin, it's my weight. It's a whole load of back and forth that has just made it hard for me to appreciate the beauty that I know that I am.

It's funny because the way you feel can be very different from the truth or fact. I was talking to someone about a time when I felt disconnected from God. I kept asking the Holy Spirit to help me feel connected again. That's when God basically told me that my connection to Him shouldn't be based on feelings. Because feelings lie. God taught me that the Bible is His way of speaking to me.

So even if I feel disconnected, I'm definitely connected to God as long as I read His word. So I told my friend and a few others that our feelings lie to us sometimes, but the truth remains the truth.

It's the same thing with my current feelings. I can tell myself that I'm beautiful and it is the truth. But I don't feel it. That's the hard part guys. We sometimes allow our feelings to dictate our reality and it shouldn't be like that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm aware that it's natural for your feelings to affect your outlook on things. But I think the danger is in letting it cloud your reality. Which is exactly what I've done (or am doing). So when I say we need to focus on the true reality of things and not on what our feelings are trying to feed us, please believe that I'm also talking to myself.

I'm talking to myself with the full understanding that what I'm demanding isn't easy. I think one of the things that we need to ask ourselves is why we feel a certain way. Because from my experience, your feelings are derived from a culmination of things that you've consciously and subconsciously seen, noticed, and experienced.

I saw a few pictures, heard a few things, saw a few other things, and heard some things and now I feel like this. So the feelings didn't just appear from the air. Instead, I guess this feeling that I'm currently experiencing was slowly built by the things that I noticed. And I didn't shut it down on time.

It's funny because the blow in confidence isn't just in relation to my beauty or attractiveness. I also feel insecure about my voice and even sometimes my value. I sometimes ask myself if people really want to hear what I have to say. Or if I should really join that conversation because I probably don't fit in.

Some of my friends used to get upset with me whenever I started staring at my phone in a public or social setting. They'd ask me to put my phone down and join the conversation, or they would find me in a corner and drag me to where everyone was conversing and socialising. I'm not sure if they all realised that I only hid, or focussed on my phone when I felt like I didn't have anything to contribute, or when I felt like people wouldn't really want to hear what I had to say. Or even when I felt like I didn't fit in.

You know what is so silly? I can hold a very good conversation if I'm given the chance or if I'm comfortable. I actually enjoy talking guys. So my insecurities found a way of shutting me up and preventing me from doing things that I actually enjoy.

It's the same thing with the insecurities about my beauty. Insecurities have a way of shutting a person up. Funnily enough, I realised that my insecurities aren't necessarily in existence because I think I'm unattractive, or that I'm boring. Nah, it stems from me thinking that people will think, or think that I'm unattractive or boring.

So here's my assignment to whoever is struggling with insecurities. Find out why you feel the way you do. Is it really because you think that's who or what you are? Or is it because you think that people think less of you because they think that's who or what you are?

Looool it turns out this blog post actually ended up having a lesson.

Lesson 1, find out why you're feeling the way you are.

Lesson 2, if it's because you're worried about what people think, bun that. Why on earth should I worry about that? Why should you and I place any value on what we think others 'might think of us'?

It's not a good way to live. We need to learn to live (for God obviously) but also for ourselves. Our mindset shouldn't be in consideration of how others think of us or see us, but instead how we see ourselves and most importantly what God thinks of us.

The last lesson which I think is a very important one is that your feelings don't always tell you the truth. So instead, speak to yourself and tell your feelings the truth.

Boldly go to a mirror and tell yourself exactly what you are and who God says you are.

You're beautiful, you're strong, you're desirable, you're intelligent, you're full of talent, you're worthy.

Anyways, this actually really helped me guys! And I hope this helps you.

As always, I love you, but most importantly God loves you 🤍.

Love,

Esther xoxo